The Purple Swirly Crossover
by Sukuru
Summary: Updated: Part Seven! No, I'm not dead...just resting. Anyway! Find out what mudd plans to do with the Big Killer something something Gun of Doom!
1. Setting the Crazy scene

The Purple Swirly Crossover  
  
~~  
  
Author's Note: Yeah, I know, another one. I should really stop writing stories and start updating more often . . .it's only logical. . . but, hey, I'm not Vulcan. I can't really remember much about DS9. . .don't sue me.  
  
~~  
  
[Bridge: Enterprise. Everything looks normal.]  
  
[Everything IS normal.]  
  
Kirk: Everything's normal.  
  
Crew: Boo hiss.  
  
Kirk: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.  
  
~~  
  
[Bridge: . . . . Enterprise.]  
  
[There are a few problems.]  
  
Picard: There are? Where?  
  
Geordi: Maybe it's that GIANT SPACE ANOMALY HEADED STRAIGHT FOR US!  
  
Riker: What?  
  
Data: He is correct. There is a GIANT SPACE ANOMALY HEADED STRAIGHT FOR US!  
  
Picard: Nuts.  
  
~~  
  
[Main Docking. . .Bridge. . .thing, Deep Space Nine.]  
  
[Sisko is throwing a bouncy ball against the wall.]  
  
Sisko: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!  
  
Bashir: Captain. . .Commander. . .person thingy, there's a purple swirly thingy coming at us.  
  
Sisko: WHHEEEEE. . .there's a what?  
  
Bashir: A purple swirly thingy.  
  
Sisko: Oh. Go tell Odo.  
  
Bashir: ?  
  
Bashir: Odo? Odo's the head of security. What's he going to do?  
  
Sisko: Have him arrest the. . .whatever it is.  
  
Bashir: Why?  
  
Sisko: For being a purple swirly thingy.  
  
Bashir: Oh. Okay.  
  
~~  
  
[Bridge: Voyager.]  
  
Janeway: Ho hum.  
  
Crew: Ho hum.  
  
[BANG!!!]  
  
Janeway: Hm. Someone's attacking us.  
  
Kim: Nope. It's a. . .purple swirly thingy.  
  
Janeway: A nebula?  
  
Paris: Does a nebula suck in innocent ships and crush them into tiny weeny pieces?  
  
Janeway: Er. . .no?  
  
Paris: Then it's not a nebula.  
  
Janeway: Nuts.  
  
~~  
  
[Bridge: Enterprise.]  
  
Sulu: Captain, there's a -  
  
Kirk: Where? I want it analysed! Ooh. . .what's that purple swirly thing?  
  
Chekov: A purple svirly thing, sair.  
  
Kirk: I see . . . . . . . . . . .  
  
Uhura: Captain, message from StarFleet. . .[Listens] They're advising us [pause] that we should be aware of [applies lipstick, checks it in mirror] a huge [thinks for a minute] I can't remember the rest of my line.  
  
Kirk: We should be aware of you not remembering the rest of your line?  
  
Uhura(thinks for a second): Yes.  
  
Kirk: Thank you lieutenant. That was. . .enlightening.  
  
Spock: Sir -  
  
Kirk: Ssh, I'm thinking.  
  
Sulu: But, um, sir -  
  
Kirk: Don't interrupt!  
  
Chekov: SAIR, FOR THE LOVE OF PIOTR*, THERE IS A GIANT PURPLE SVIRLY THING HEADED STRAIGHT FOR US AND YOU'RE TRYING TO THINK ABOUT VHICH GIRL YOU'RE GOING TO ASK TO THE OFFICER'S DISCO ON EDEAS NINE! THAT IS IRRELEVANT, BEKAUS IF VE DON'T DO SOMETHING NOW, VE VON'T GET THERE!  
  
[Pause.]  
  
[. . .]  
  
Kirk(tightly, sulking): Right. Okay. Fine. Interrupt my thinking. I'll just take longer to work it out.  
  
Crew: *Groan*  
  
McCoy(appearing from no-where): Spock, this is the only ever time you will ever hear me say this. . .but will you over throw the Captain and get us out of this mess?????  
  
Spock: Actually, this is not the first time I have heard it from you. The Mirror-You was very insistent on it. Well, actually, that wasn't you. That was. . . [Shakes head] anyway. [Turns to Kirk] Captain, I believe a new female Ensign has just arrived on the ship. Elle Rouge Kiki-Tiki Packa Chan RoseBud.  
  
Kirk: Whoo hoo! I'm there!  
  
[Kirk leaves Bridge post-haste.]  
  
Spock: Now to get us out of this mess -  
  
Chekov: It's too late. Ve're in the Nebula.  
  
Crew: Oh, yeah.  
  
McCoy: Dammit.  
  
TBC  
  
*Piotr is the Russian name for Peter. And there is a saying, "For the love of Pete!" (See: Shrek). It was, of course, inwented by the Russians. Ehem. 


	2. Extreme Randomness

Purple Swirly Thing Part Two: Meetings  
  
~~  
  
Reviewer Response:  
  
I-Am-Bug: Yeah, Chekov thought he had a brother named Piotr in the Third Season's Day Of The Dove. Because he had a virus or something, he thought the Klingons had killed Piotr. I think it was Sulu who pointed out that Chekov didn't even HAVE a brother.  
  
TrekkieGirl: Thank you. And please keep up with your extreme randomness.  
  
Tavia: Thanks! That cheered me up a lot! And thnks for saying I could have a cameo in Chicken Noodle Soup!  
  
Broken Infinity: Thank you. And keep up with the ramblings and logical answers.  
  
~~  
  
Voice From Somewhere In The Ceiling: Previously on Enterprise. . .  
  
Uhura: We're not Enterprise.  
  
Voice: Beg pardon? What? Whatcha mean?  
  
Sulu: We're TOS. Enterprise is Archer's territory.  
  
Voice: Don't cheek me you sword swinging stupid Japanese person! I should know which show I'm narrating!  
  
Chekov(puzzled): Ve don't haff a Narrator. You must be thinking of Pearl Girl and Alania.  
  
Voice: Oh. Okay. Sorry. Bye.  
  
Kirk(briefly appearing from Back Stage): Stop. Talking. Like. Me.  
  
Voice: O.k.  
  
Sulu: Argh! God made two of 'em!  
  
Chekov: Um, can ve get back to the plot now?  
  
Rand: What plot?  
  
Scotty: What're you doing here? This is season four! Offa me Bridge!  
  
Spock: Mr. Scott, you are not in charge of the ship. I am.  
  
Scotty: Are YOU the one who has to fix things whenever they break? No! It's me; it's always me! And people think I enjoy this sorta thing. . .sniff. . .  
  
All: Sigh.  
  
~~  
  
[On TNG]  
  
[The Entire Bridge Crew are sprawled on the floor, unconscious.]  
  
Picard(waking up): What happened? Urgh! My head.  
  
Troi: Yes. Urgh, your head. Get a wig.  
  
Piacrd: Never! I will not become a Monkee look-alike! They suck!  
  
Chekov(from Backstage): HEY!  
  
Riker: Where are we?  
  
Data: Lying sprawled out on the floor next to a man who has just used the most clichéd line in history.  
  
Riker: Aside that, where are we?  
  
Geordi: Right in the middle of the Purple Swirly Thing.  
  
Riker: Joy.  
  
~~  
  
[DS9]  
  
Bashir: Sir, we're now in the Purple Swirly Thing. Oh, and your wifes not dead. Oh, and Odo's just found his true parents. Oh, and-  
  
Sisko: Dammit Bashir, this is a Science Fiction Program, not a soap opera!  
  
Dax: Apparently not. According to the sensors, there are hundreds of television programs out there, all bumping into each other. . .  
  
Sisko: LIKE?  
  
Dax: Noddy's just met Walking With Dinosaurs. OUCH! That must have hurt. Oh, and Doctor Who has just ran into Sooty.  
  
Sisko: Meh. Not my problem.  
  
Bashir(growling): It will be in a minute. . .  
  
~~  
  
[VOY]  
  
Paris: Well, we're in the Nebula. Congrats, everyone. We're doomed.  
  
Janeway: Pfft. Does it LOOK like we've been crushed into tiny pieces, Mr. Paris?  
  
Paris: Not really. But, then again, I could have died and gone to hell.  
  
Kim: Are you saying you don't like being stuck out here in Space, with thousands of un-explored planets and galaxies?  
  
Paris(confused): No, that's you.  
  
Kim: Oh yeah.  
  
~~  
  
[TOS]  
  
Chekov: Ve're goink to die!  
  
Sulu: 56. . .  
  
Chekov: Ve're goink to really die!  
  
Sulu: 57. . .  
  
Chekov: Stop countink how many times I've said that! It'll just make me panic more!  
  
Sulu: Hmm. . .? Oh, I'm not counting that. I'm counting how many veins are standing out on McCoy's neck, and also, at the same time, the possibility of him threatening you with a physical.  
  
[Chekov looks at McCoy. And gets scared.]  
  
Chekov: I'm goink to die.  
  
Sulu: That's the spirit!  
  
Spock: Mr. Sulu, I believe I am the appointed mathematician. There is no way your puny Earthling brain could ever outsmart mine.  
  
Sulu(pouting): I was a mathe. . .scien. . .I was some guy who does math in the pilot episode!  
  
Spock(muttering to himself): And you wonder why you got transferred to the Helm. . .  
  
Scotty: What're we going to do?  
  
Spock: How should I know?  
  
Scotty: You're in charge.  
  
Spock: That is not Logical.  
  
McCoy: it is, dammit! Now, do something!  
  
Spock: Like what? Until This Side Of Paradise, I am just an information relayer person whatsit.  
  
McCoy: Eh?  
  
Spock: Until "This Side Of Paradise", season one, episode 25, I have no background history.  
  
McCoy: You did in the "Menagerie", parts one and two.  
  
Spock: Touche. But I am not worthy of you. You had your background history set in Season One, Episode six.  
  
Chekov(to Sulu): Vhat're ve doink? Settink up a plot or describing past episodes?  
  
Sulu: How should I know? I didn't get any exposition until. . .um. . .never, actually. Whereas you got some in Day of the Dove and The Way to Eden! [Suddenly angry] I'll kill you!  
  
Chekov: Eek!  
  
Uhura(to camera): Tune into next weeks exiting episode, where something actually happens!  
  
Kirk(coming onto bridge and muttering): So, he was lying about the chick. . .[looking up and taking in the scene: McCoy and Spock actually getting along, Sulu strangling Chekov, Uhura talking to the camera guy, Rand crying, Scotty overdosing on Whiskey] Gee gads! I've only been away one chapter! Look at all the horror and destruction! [Grabs remote control from Author, who is standing by camera guy. Hits pause. Everything freezes.]  
  
Kirk: Alrighty. Time to get to work!  
  
[Kirk goes to McCoy and gives him a large club. He then raises the Doctor's arms so that the Club is hovering above Spock's head. He then goes over to Sulu, removes the Asian's hands, then gives him and Chekov a bunch of flowers and a Star Trek encyclopaedia. Kirk then goes over to Rand, picks up all of the coffee she's spilt on the floor, put the broken cups on the tray, hands the tray to her, then goes over to Scotty, takes the whiskey bottle and smashes it over his head. Finally he shoots the Camera guy and sits in his Captain's chair.]  
  
Kirk(pointing the remote): Play!  
  
Scotty: Ow.  
  
Camera Guy: GAK!  
  
Uhura: Dammit! I liked that. . .whoever he was.  
  
Rand: Hmm? [Abruptly drops the tray again]  
  
Sulu: Pavel! You shouldn't have - wait a minute. . .[looks suspicious] these are my begonias! My prize begonias! You die now!  
  
Chekov: Vait, you picked some for me too!  
  
Sulu: Oh, right. Bummer.  
  
Kirk: Everything's back to normal.  
  
Uhura: Um, Captain, some bald guy's hailing us.  
  
Kirk: Uh oh.  
  
[A/N]: Hahahaha! TBC, my Trekkies, TBC!! 


	3. Away Missions

Purple Swirly Crossover/Thing Part Three  
  
~~  
  
Reviewer Response:  
  
Broken Infinity: Thank you. I have.  
  
Tavia: Well, I tried to balance the lines. . . but whatever comes into my head leaks onto the keyboard buttons before I can stop it^^. Thanks for the cameo, again, by the way!  
  
~~  
  
Uhura: Um, Captain, some bald guy's hailing us.  
  
Kirk: Uh oh.  
  
Uhura(listens): Hmm. He says. . ."who're you. . .my show. . .by baldness only. . . I have a clichéd officer. . .shut up Riker. . . no I did not mean. . .GET BACK HERE!. . .Now, where was I. . . oh, yes, this is my show. . .I'm the Captain. . .by the way, where am I?" And now there's another voice. . .saying something like "Captain. . .that line's already been used once you moron. . .death to captaincy. . ." Oh. Maybe it's the guys from the Mirror Universe . . .  
  
Kirk: Pfft, no. Author knows everyone's getting sick of her writing the mirrors into her stories. That's why they're going to get killed off in All's Normal On The Enterprise . . .oops.  
  
Everyone: *Groan* Sure, give away the plot . . .  
  
Kirk: Sorry. Anyway. Did you catch this guys name?  
  
Uhura: Catpain Pinch-hard? No, that's not it. Catpina Flinchard? No. . .  
  
Spock: It's Captain Picard, you moron.  
  
Broken Infinity(from Backstage): HAHAHAAA! Repetitive speech!  
  
[Pause]  
  
Kirk: Well, that was weird.  
  
All: Mm.  
  
Uhura: So, about this Picard feller. What're we gonna do?  
  
Kirk: How should I know?  
  
[TNG]  
  
Worf: They're not answering our hails.  
  
Picard: What hails?  
  
Worf: The ones you sent out barely sixty seconds ago.  
  
Troi: Give them a chance, damn it!  
  
Picard: Aren't you telepathic or something?  
  
Troi: When it suits me.  
  
Picard: Can it suit you now, please? What're they thinking?  
  
Troi(concentrating): I'm sensing cluelessness. . . pure logic. . . Sushi. . .fencing. . .equal rights. . .feminism. . .Russia. . . Russia. . .Russia. . .does this boy EVER stop thinking about Russia? Russia. . .pasta. . .  
  
Riker: Shall we send over an Away Team?  
  
Picard: Hmm. Pointless reconnaissance. Sounds good. Take three Red Shirts, yourself, and Troi.  
  
Troi: Why me? I'm just a telepathic cry-baby.  
  
Picard: It's very profitable. You get more experience on how to act wimpy and cry0baby like, and we get peace and quiet for a while.  
  
Troi: But I hardly ever say anything unless you ask me. . .  
  
Picard: You did just then. NOW GO!  
  
[DS9]  
  
Sisko: What was it?  
  
Bashir: A ship.  
  
Sisko: A what?  
  
Bashir: A ship.  
  
Sisko: Really?  
  
Bashir: Yes.  
  
Sisko: Fascinating. Now can I go back to sleep?  
  
Bashir: No.  
  
Sisko: *Sigh* Alright. Send out an Away Team. On the Defiant. Thingy.  
  
Bashir: Who do you want?  
  
Sisko: My wife, please.  
  
Bashir: No, on the Away Team. And your wife's dead.  
  
Sisko: Oooh. That's why she doesn't talk to me very often.  
  
[Satire.]  
  
Bashir: Yes, anyway. . .  
  
Sisko: Well, for a start, YOU. And Dax. And Odo. And every other main characters except me.  
  
Bashir: Why not you??  
  
Sisko: Dammit, I'm the first black captain in Star Trek -  
  
Bashir: No, Terrell was -  
  
Sisko: I'M THE FIRST BLACK CAPTAIN IN STAR TREK and I don't want to be killed.  
  
Bashir: How nice and heroic of you.  
  
Sisko: Yes. Go me!  
  
[VOY]  
  
Janeway: . . .So, to summarize, we're stuck in the middle of a giant swirly thing, we DON'T want to rename the ship the USS HAHAHAHAWE'REDEAD, and we're going to send out an Away Team with Chakotay driving the shuttle.  
  
Kes: A) You don't 'drive' a shuttle, and B) NOO! DON'T LET CHAKOTAY DRIVE!  
  
Paris: Pilot.  
  
Kes: Whatever. [Tags Tuvok] You're it! [Runs away screaming]  
  
Janeway: So THAT's why she was written out of the series. Anyhoo, since Tuvok's it, he gets to be the leader of the Away Team. The one with Chakotay driving,  
  
Paris: PILOTING!  
  
Janeway: Whatever.  
  
[TOS]  
  
Chekov: Sair, there are three shuttles approaching. Vun wery slowly and carefully, vun normally, and vun ON A DIRECT COLLISION COURSE AAAAAAAH! VE'RE GOINK TO DIE!  
  
Sulu: 58. . .  
  
Chekov: Shut up.  
  
Kirk: Hmm. Scuse me whilst I look all philosophical and stuff.  
  
Uhura: Nope. You look constipated.  
  
Kirk(shrugging): Oh well, I tried.  
  
Sulu: So, what're we going to do about this shuttle thing?  
  
Kirk: What we usually do. Wait until it's, like, so close to us it's stupid that we're going to survive, then blow it up.  
  
Spock: Can't.  
  
Kirk: Excuse you?  
  
Spock: I did not sneeze, Captain.  
  
Kirk: No, what do you mean "Can't?"  
  
Spock: "Can't" The Concise Oxford Dictionary, 'New Edition For The 1990s', page 164. Can't, contr. Can Not. Originally brought to the English language by-  
  
McCoy: NO YOU NOT-SO-STUPID VULCAN, JIM MEANS WHY CAN'T WE BLOW UP THE ENEMY SHIPS?  
  
Spock: Because there are people onboard.  
  
Kirk: So?  
  
Spock: They are humans.  
  
Kirk: Dammit!  
  
~TBC~  
  
Extra feature: A lot of you are saying that you don't know much about TNG, DS9 or VOY. Here's a quick guide.  
  
A Quick Reference Guide For Those Of You Who Are Sure About Star Trek's TOS  
TNG, DS9 and VOY, or AQRGFTOYWASOSTTTDV.  
  
TOS, Or, THE ORIGINAL SERIES. Campy, sixties show with repeated story lines and interesting characters.  
  
Kirk: Hello, ladies, I'm James T. Kirk, single (occasionally) and Captain of this cardboard box.  
  
Spock: I'm the very first Vulcan you'll ever see. This is illogical.  
  
McCoy: I'm a southern doctor. I hate Spock's guts. Except from when a few other Authors write for me.  
  
Sulu: I'm the token foreign guy. I kill people with my long metal stick, otherwise known as my Fencing Foil or My Precious. . .  
  
Uhura: I'm the token black gal. I don't get very many lines. Ever.  
  
Chekov: Hi. I haff a stupid accent. I also haff a wery bad vig and not wery many lines.  
  
Scotty(drunk, slurry): Get outta my cardboard box!  
  
Riley: Hi. I'm not in this very much, but I'm Sukuru's favourite character.  
  
Sulu&Chekov: Are not!  
  
Riley: Are too.  
  
Chapel: I'm a Nurse who canonly say "Yes Doctor" and "Sorry Doctor" and "I love you, Spock".  
  
Spock: Get away from me.  
  
TNG: Or, THE NEXT GENERATION. Follow on from TOS. Almost the same, expect a main character gets killed.  
  
Picard: Hello. I'm a bald Captain.  
  
Riker: Hello. I'm the charming yet occasionally stupid First Officer. Picard left Space Dock without me. This joke was then used again at the start of Star Trek: Generations.  
  
Troi: Hello. I'm a telepathic counsellor whose not very good at either. . .STOP THINKING THAT!  
  
Crusher: Hi. I'm a doctor with an unusual name. Picard killed my husband.  
  
O'Brien: Hello. I'm an Irish transporter Chief who doesn't have very many lines other than OUCH ad OWIES! THAT HURTS! You'll se my again in DS9.  
  
LaForge/Geordi: Hello. I'm blind. But I have a visor, so I'm not.  
  
Worf: Me Klingon. Me have pasty stuck to head. Fear me.  
  
Data: Greetings Earthling. I'm an android who is a sort-of evolved form of Spock.  
  
Wesley: Hi everyone! I'm an annoying prodigy.  
  
Everyone: WE KNOW!  
  
DS9, or, DEEP SPACE NINE. Set on a Space Station with. . .Ehem. . .the first black captain.  
  
Sisko: Hi. I'm the first black Captain.  
  
Terrell: Look, I keep trying to tell you -  
  
Sisko: Shut up, worm boy. My wife was killed in the battle of Wolf 359. I have issues with the Borg.  
  
Bashir: I'm a genetically-enhanced doctor who likes Dax. I also like holodecks.  
  
Dax: I have a worm in my stomach. I also have spots.  
  
O'Brien: I baaaaaaaaaaack!  
  
Odo: Yeah, yeah, we know. I'm a mysterious shape-shifter with no past and no discernable emotions (apart from on a few occasions when I get crabby)  
  
Quark: I'm a bartender. I have funny ears. I cheat people out of their money.  
  
Worf: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack too.  
  
Kira: I'm Kira. I'm a Bajoran (A/N: apologies for the spelling). I have issues.  
  
Jake: I'm Sisko's son. I don't really do much except get into trouble. I'm kinda the Mirror-version of Wesley. Kind of.  
  
VOY or VOYAGER. Voyager went after a Marquis ship and got transported to the other side of the universe by a dying guy called the Caretaker, who died and left the crew a rock and no way to get home.  
  
Janeway: Hello. I'm the first female Captain. I have issues too.  
  
Chakotay: I'm the first officer. I have beliefs in weird spirits who have names like Chamunze. I'm the worst pilot in the world, but I won't admit it.  
  
Paris: I'm a member of the Marquis. I'm Voyager's pilot. I'm a womaniser. Until I get married to a half klingon, of course.  
  
Torres: I'm a half Klingon Engineer. I have issues with my forehead. I'm kinda like Spock, but without the ears and the calmness and the looks and the logic. Okay, okay, I'm not at all like Spock. Bite me.  
  
Kim: I'm gullible. Quark almost cheated me in the first episode. Paris talked me out of it.  
  
Kes: I'm an ocampa. I have physic powers that eventually get out of hand. Watch me fry you.  
  
Neelix: I'm this season's annoying guy. I love Kes and have Issues with Paris.  
  
Doctor: I'm a hologram. I have issues with my programming, so I learnt opera. Hear me sing.  
  
Tuvok: I'm Tuvok. I'm a Vulcan. I'm black. I was in Generations. . .NOT THAT ANYONE NOTICED, OF COURSE! I also served with Sulu when Paramount actually listened to him and, to stop him whining, made him Captain.  
  
Seven Of Nine / Seven: I'm a Borg. Get assimilated. Resistance sucks.  
  
Janeway(backing off): Uh, Seven, we talked about this. . .  
  
Seven: Oh, right. And I have issues with my feelings and stuff.  
  
Chekov: Haff you ewer noticed that the further on Star Trek goes, the more characters haff issues?  
  
Torres: You have issues.  
  
Chekov: No, I don't.  
  
Torres: You do. Watch. YOU KILLED YOUR CREW IN TWOK YOU EXPLETIVE!  
  
Chekov(holding hands over ears): Lalalalalalalaa, I'm not listening, lalala. . .  
  
A/N: Hope this helped. 


	4. Meetings, Greetings, Expleetings

Purple Swirly Crossover: Part Four: Meetings, Greetings, Expleetings.  
  
~~  
  
Reviewer Response:  
  
Kaz: YOU have issues? Yeah, yeah. Lord Farquad? Where'd he come from? Why were you thinking about Shrek and not about Purple Swirly Things? HOW DARE YOU!  
  
Tavia: Thanks Keep up with the complete randomness your end too! (IE. Chicken Noodle Soup For The Trekkie Soul. . .I have no soul. . .)  
  
Yumi-Chan and Unrealistic: I was too busy trying to work out whether or not Chekov had a wig on actually. . .BUT YES! IT WAS TIM RUSS! HAHAHAA!  
  
Broken Infinity: Well, I repeated the word and was about to delete it, when I though "Broken Infinity!" And boom, you had a line.  
  
I-Am-Bug: I assumed one of the crew had to like pasta. . .since I utterly despise it. Another pointless fact about me. YAY!  
  
~~  
  
[TOS: Bridge]  
  
Kirk: This room must be the most over-used room in the whole history of any TV show on the planet.  
  
Uhura: What about the 7 o'clock news?  
  
Kirk: What about it?  
  
Uhura: Well, that only takes place in one room. The news room.  
  
Kirk: You know what I mean.  
  
Uhura: Actually-  
  
Kirk: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!  
  
Chekov: Excuse me, I hate to butt in on this "fascinating" conwersation-  
  
Spock: MY LINE! YOU DIE!  
  
Chekov: Argh! I'M GOINK TO DIE!  
  
Sulu: 59. . .  
  
Chekov: And so are you, Cossack!  
  
Sulu: Um. . .that's a new one. Ehem. 1. . .  
  
McCoy: I hate to be the voice of reason in this fic, BUT WHAT THE HECK ARE WE GONNA DO?  
  
Kirk: About what?  
  
Spock(with his hands around Chekov's neck): I believe he is referring to the shuttle THAT IS ON A DIRECT COLLISION COURSE WITH US!  
  
Bailey: Don't shout!  
  
Rand: What're you doing here?  
  
Bailey: We're outa Red Shirts.  
  
Rand: And YOU volunteered? Are you stupid or something?  
  
Bailey: They tricked me. . .  
  
Kirk: Excuse me, I am the main center of attention here! PAY ATTENTION TO ME NOW, MORTALS!  
  
All: (Cower)  
  
Kirk: Better. Uhura, hail the shuttle THAT IS ON A DIRECT COLLISION COURSE WITH US!  
  
Uhura: Why don't we just call it "Shuttle: Certain Doom"? It's easier to say.  
  
Kirk: Whatever.  
  
Uhura(tapping keys on her console): Hmm. . .I can get you an audio link with the shuttle. . .  
  
[There is noise for a few seconds, then. . .]  
  
Voice #1: Hmm. . .maybe this is the up button.  
  
Voice 2#: No. That is a smartie that has gotten stuck to the console. Very illogical.  
  
Kirk(forgetting the transmission is two-way): ARGH! NOT MORE VULCANS! FULL REVERSE, SULU!  
  
Voice #1: HAHAH! Told you no-one liked your ears!  
  
Voice #2: Mummy!  
  
Voice #3: Well done, idiots.  
  
Kirk: WAIT! The first and last sounded like humans. . .stay where we are.  
  
[TNG]  
  
Picard: Any news from the Away Team?  
  
Worf: Yes. They have just reached shuttle bay one. Wait a sec. . .no, they're in space. . .wait a sec. . .  
  
Riker(over comm.): The other ship is having a problem. Chakotay's driving a shuttle.  
  
Paris(from backstage): PILOTING!  
  
Picard: Whatever. And I don't know this Chakotay feller. Better open fire on the shuttle.  
  
Riker: Eh?  
  
Picard: It's the StarFleet way, dammit! If we don't understand something, we shoot it! MWAHAHAHAHAHAA!  
  
LaForge(muttering): No, that's just the Picard way.  
  
[TOS]  
  
Chekov(still being choked by Spock): Sair. . .there. . .vun. . .of. . .the. . .shuttles . . .  
  
Kirk(angry): WAIT! That's. . .the. . .way. . .I. . talk! DIE!  
  
Chekov: Argh! I'm goink to die!  
  
Sulu: I've lost count.  
  
Uhura: Sir, I think what Chekov was trying to say was: VUN OF THE SHUTTLES IS OPENINK FIRE ON THE OTHER VUN!  
  
Kirk: Oh. Um. I KNOW! WOW! WHAT A GREAT PLAN!  
  
[Beat]  
  
Kirk(sulkily): . . .That the writer thought of.  
  
Spock: What?  
  
Kirk: Let's beam all of the inhabitants from all of the shuttles into the cargo bay! Hurrah!  
  
[Beat]  
  
Sulu: Yeah. Let's do that.  
  
A/N: So, next chapter, the Crossover actually happens. PURPLE SWIRLS RULE!  
  
~~  
  
A note from Paramount: Dear Reader, we here at Paramount apologise sincerely for the amount of CAPITAL LETTERS used in this Chapter. We would like to apologise, because, as we all know, CAPITAL LETTERS are the sign of an exciting plot actually happening, and this is TOS, where the Red Shirts get killed by the same plastic monsters and the plants are all freaky and tie-died.  
  
A note from the Enterprise Crew: Paramount would like to deny that last apology. It says that of course TOS has lots of interesting plots and everyone loves it, specially the Animated Series. . .which sucked. We mean, was cool. Hehe. . . 


	5. This is Illogical

The Purple Swirly Crossover Part Five: Something Actually Happens.  
  
~~  
  
Reviewer Replies:  
  
Yami-Chan and Unrealistic: I love 'em all too.  
  
Broken Infinity: Thanks! And keep going with the Katras.  
  
I-Am-Bug: Yes, he has a habit of dying, doesn't he?  
  
Mzsnaz: They fwighten me too....  
  
~~  
  
[TOS: Cargo Hold]  
  
Scotty: I'm ready to beam over.  
  
Kirk: What? Huh? Where? How'd I get here? When did we get a cargo hold?  
  
Scotty: I dunno. D'you want these people or not?  
  
Kirk: Which people?  
  
Spock: That's it, I'm taking over.  
  
Kirk: Mutiny! I'LL KILL YOU!  
  
Spock: Nah, you wont. [Neck pinch]  
  
Kirk: Ow.  
  
Spock: Alright. Energize, Scotty.  
  
Scotty: Wait a tic, how can I be here when the transporter controls are in the Transporter Room?  
  
Spock: Just do as I say, mortal.  
  
[TNG: Shuttle]  
  
Troi: I am sensing a Transporter Beam...  
  
Riker(who is slowly turning into pixels): No, really?  
  
Troi: Yes. I am also sensing aggression and fear.  
  
Riker: That's it, when I re-energize I'm gonna kill you!  
  
Red Shirts: (Cower)  
  
[DS9: Shuttle]  
  
Odo(the shapeshifter who is now a potted cactus): Hmm....looks like that Federation Shuttle over there is on a collision course with the cardboard ship...  
  
Basir(looking around): Who said that? What cardboard ship?  
  
Dax: That cardboard ship! [Slowly starts turning into pixels) Uh oh.  
  
[VOY: Shuttle]  
  
Chakotay: Right, I think I almost got it now!  
  
Tuvok: Too late, we're gonna crash.  
  
Chakotay: Oh yeah. Oops.  
  
Seven: I'd kill you, but that's just not the Borg way.  
  
Chakotay: What is?  
  
Seven: Assimilating your mind into out collectiveness. You stupidity will be added to our own.  
  
[TOS: Shuttle Bay. Slowly, pixel people are starting to appear]  
  
Sulu: You'd think that the Author would have given us a decent budget by now...  
  
Spock: She cannot. She spends all the budget money on Manga and Anime. And Star Trek, of course,  
  
Chekov: Vhat's Star Trek?  
  
Spock: Erm...nothing.  
  
Riker(appearing in a shower of pixels): ...and another thing, Troi, that cat suit you wear isn't a scratch on Sevens...wait, where'd she go?  
  
Spock: Greetings from the planet Earth.  
  
Riker: You're not human.  
  
Spock: So? I've always wanted to say that...  
  
Tuvok: Fascinating. I am not dead.  
  
Spock: I agree.  
  
Kirk(coming round): Gee gads, not another Vulcan! ARGH!  
  
Chekov(reassuringly): Jut be glad there are no Tribbles around.  
  
Kirk: ARRRRRRRGGGGHHH! (Gets up and runs around the hall)  
  
Sulu: Well that's just great. Way to go.  
  
Dax: This is strange.  
  
Chakotay: And I almost had the hang of that!  
  
Sulu: Of what?  
  
Chakotay: Driving the shuttle!  
  
Sulu: PILOTING!  
  
Chakotay: Whatever.  
  
Troi: I am sensing déjà vu...  
  
Seven Of Nine(walking up to Spock, knowing he is in charge): We are the Federation. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.  
  
Spock: We are the Federation also. Welcome to the Enterprise.  
  
Riker(bemused): This isn't the Enterprise.  
  
Spock: Is.  
  
Riker: Isn't.  
  
Spock: Is.  
  
Riker: Isn't.  
  
Spock: I fail to see where this argument is going. This is the Enterprise under the command of Captain Kirk.  
  
[Everyone looks at the hysterical Kirk who is running in circles screaming.]  
  
Red Shirt From TNG #1: I get it! I died and this is hell!  
  
[A speck of dust lands on his nose. He sneezes himself to death.]  
  
Red Shirt From TNG #2: ...Maybe not.  
  
Kirk(stopping beside Spock): Okay. I'm in charge and I'm putting you all under arrest.  
  
All From other Ships: ?  
  
Kirk: Because you're on my ship and...because...I don't like any of you. Nyaa-nyaa.  
  
All From Other Ships: Damn it. 


	6. This is Even More Illogical

The Purple Swirly Crossover Part Six  
  
~~  
  
Reviewer Response:  
  
I-Am-Bug: Ooooooooof course they were, Chekov. Now trot along back to lala land...  
  
Broken Infinity: Yes. You do that.  
  
Dixie: It's not the funniest of my stories...perhaps the most random and weird instead.  
  
~~  
  
[TOS: Bridge]  
  
Picard(over screen): GIVE ME BACK MY FIRST OFFICER AND MY RED SHIRTS!  
  
Kirk: Two things. 1) One of the Red Shirts is dead. 2) What about your councillor?  
  
Picard: Two things. 1) I knew they were going to die and 2) You may keep her.  
  
Rand: YAY! More women!  
  
Kirk: Nuuu! Nu, we'll send her back.  
  
Spock: Spelling "no" in this manner is not logical.  
  
Kirk: I nu...  
  
Spock: Shut up.  
  
Uhura: Sir, there's another message coming through on the AOL channel. From one "IloveCoffeSoGimmieMore"...it's Captain Janeway, of the Star ship Voyager.  
  
Kirk: And why should we pay attention to her?  
  
Scotty: She has cooler graphics than us. No cardboard; purely computer generated. Me mother would be spinning in her grave.  
  
Scotty's Mother(who looks like Grace from Will&Grace)(With a really fake accent): I'm not dead yet, lad.  
  
Scotty: Ye always have to put me down, don't ye?  
  
Kirk(blinking): Scotty, your mother's about fifteen years younger than you...and she's a babe...  
  
Grace(now speaking normally): Well, your kinda running outa people right now, so Gene kidnapped me.  
  
Picard: Whose Gene?  
  
Kirk: Are you STILL here? Go away; get a life; get a toupee.  
  
Picard: Never sir!  
  
Spock(to Scotty): It is illogical to have a mother who is fifteen years younger than you.  
  
Janeway(appearing on screen): PEOPLE!  
  
[Everyone continues arguing]  
  
Janeway: PEOPLE!  
  
[No effect]  
  
Janeway: THE AUTHOR HAS HEREFORE DECIDED THAT YOU SHALL BE GIVEN A PLOT AND A STORYLINE AND REPEATED ALIENS AND A FEMALE CAPTAIN!  
  
Everyone From TOS: EEK!  
  
Janeway: Sorry, I didn't mean that.  
  
Kirk(grasping at his chest): Female...captain...omigod...  
  
[Kirk collapses. McCoy and Chapel immediately appear and whisk him away]  
  
Spock: Strange how the Author has a reluctance to leave him in charge of anything.  
  
Chekov: Meh.  
  
Tuvok(coming onto Bridge through the same turbo lift McCoy and Chapel and Kirk just disappeared through): This ship is illogical. The briefing room is used as an interrogation chamber, and the walls for sick bay are being re-assembled after being used as the cargo bay walls. Cardboard is very cheap nowadays, gentlemen and ladies.  
  
Grace: You try telling that to the Author; she refuses to post it to us!  
  
Chekov: Vhy?  
  
Janeway: Postal Strike in England.  
  
Chekov: Vell if it had been Russia this vould have newer happened.  
  
Sulu: You're right!  
  
Everyone: GASP!  
  
Sulu: ...in Russia they don't HAVE a Postal Service.  
  
[TNG: Bridge]  
  
Worf: Lets blow them up.  
  
Picard: That will kill everyone!  
  
Worf(nodding): Lets blow them up.  
  
Picard: No dammit! We're only allowed to kill innocent civilians who will come back complaining in thirty years when I'm long dead and the Borg actually decide to do something!  
  
Borg: Pfft.  
  
Yar's Ghost: Sir, the Author has decided to censor that.  
  
Picard: Shut up! You died seven season ago! You have no meaning to us here.  
  
[TOS: Meeting Room. Everyone on board is present. And by that, I mean everyone who has a first and second name and a reasonable background story.]  
  
Chekov: I have three names.  
  
Sulu: And I have a daughter who would be about three years old by now.  
  
Grace: I'm not supposed to be here.  
  
Kirk: I have a T.!  
  
Spock: I have an unprouncable first name. Or so I am told.  
  
Tuvok: That's illogical.  
  
McCoy: I have a dead father...sob...  
  
McCoy: ...But we don't actually know that until The Undiscovered Country, so I'm okay.  
  
Scotty: I have nothing except a criminal record. Remember "Wolf in the Fold"?  
  
Everyone: For the sake of continuity, no.  
  
Riker: Why are we having this conversation?  
  
Kirk: To bore the readers. Now. Lets get down to business. Spock?  
  
Spock: Yes.  
  
[Pause]  
  
Kirk(again, gently coaxing): Spock...?  
  
Spock: Yes Captain?  
  
Kirk: Spock, explain the situation.  
  
Spock: Yes Captain. Sulu.  
  
Sulu: Hmm?  
  
Spock: YOU explain it.  
  
Sulu: Chekov.  
  
Chekov: Uhura.  
  
Uhura: Rand.  
  
Rand: Riley.  
  
Riley: Scotty.  
  
Scotty: Kirk.  
  
Kirk: Riley.  
  
Riley: Why me?  
  
Kirk: You were the one who got written out; now you're being written back in and your complaining?  
  
Riley: No. Okay. (Turning to the 'hostages) Kirk's keeping you hostage 'cos he's jealous of your computer graphics and stuff.  
  
Riker: Hey! We have REALLY BAD special effects!  
  
Bashir: We have an ego-eccentric Captain!  
  
[Cut to: Deep Space Nine. Sisko is sitting still playing with his softball. Cut back to the Briefing Room]  
  
Seven-Of-Nine: And we have Chakotay as a driver.  
  
Sulu: PILOT!  
  
Seven: Whatever.  
  
Kirk: That joke is sooo over-rated. Stop it.  
  
Seven: You were the ones who re-used that scene at the end of "Trouble with Tribbles".  
  
Chekov: For the sake of continuity-  
  
Riker: We know, we know, you don't remember.  
  
Chekov: Not exactly.  
  
Seven: When are we going to get a plot?  
  
Riley: When the Author feels like it.  
  
Uhura(over comm.; she is miraculously back on the Bridge): Sir! Plot on Channel Five!  
  
Kirk: At least!  
  
Mudd(over comm.): Hello, Kirk!  
  
Everyone From TOS: ARRRRGH!!!!  
  
~~  
  
A/N: So you see, the plot is afoot! And about time too.... 


	7. This Is Just Stupid

The Purple Swirly Crossover Part Seven  
  
~~  
  
Yes, I, like Tavia, am not dead.  
  
~~  
  
Reviewer Response:  
  
Bug: Yes, lala land is in Russia. Ahem.  
  
Broken Infinity: Okay.  
  
Nenya: After I motioned it I got a lot of replies about Tim Russ in Generations. Maybe he was having an identity crises...  
  
Evil Twin: Yes...it will live long if I have anything to do with it...  
  
Star Freak: Here's the update.  
  
Ariennye: I have.  
  
~~  
  
Sorry to everyone!! After I've updated this I swear I'll update Attacked! Promise on my life!  
  
~~  
  
[TOS: Bridge]  
  
Mudd: So the readers don't have to read the last chapter again, I'll repeat my line.  
  
[Pause]  
  
Kirk: Well?  
  
Mudd: I can't remember what it is...  
  
Seven: I fail to see why you are all afraid of him.  
  
Riley: A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. So Mudd is Public Enemy No. 2.  
  
Seven: You mean "1".  
  
Riley: Whatever.  
  
Bashir: What has this got to do with the plot?  
  
Mudd: Oh, yeah. Ahem. I hereby demand that you give me your ship or...  
  
[Cue the dun-dun-dun!]  
  
Mudd: ...I'll unleash the Tribbles!  
  
Seven: The what?  
  
Riker: NOOO!  
  
Kirk: NOOO!  
  
Everyone on TOS and TNG: NOOO!  
  
Kirk: Wait, why do you need my ship when you already have one?  
  
Mudd: Er...  
  
Sulu: And your ship is much more hi-tech than ours!  
  
Mudd: Yes, but...but....shut up, okay! It's been really hard trying to find excuses to come back on the show!  
  
Chekov: It's easy. Get a couple of vorms, stick them in my ear, and BOOM! Ve'll have a comeback of Mudd.  
  
Kahn(from off-screen): Peh. That's my franchise. It'll never work with someone else.  
  
Kirk: Especially someone who likes socialising with robots.  
  
Mudd: And, unfortunately for you, Mad Scientist People. This particular Mad Scientist Person gave me this particular Big Killer Screw-You Gun. Have any idea what I'm going to do with it?  
  
Kirk: No.  
  
[Pause]  
  
Mudd: Damn. Neither do I.  
  
Kahn: Duh. Point it at the Enterprise and pull the trigger.  
  
Mudd: Ohhhh! Okay.  
  
Everyone on the Enterprise: *Gulp* 


End file.
